The Black Question
image by Graveunicorn
It started with a letter to a guy who had absolutely no self esteem. His name was J he like the other members of his family walked with their eyes glued to their feet. He had no self confidence, and had a habbit of Parking in front of my home. When i walked he'd drive his car at the pace i walked, he'd called my phone once, and had a habbit of asking my sister questions about me. She'd come back telling me, he had a soft spot for me, but i should never do anything about it. I listened to her advice at first amused and also flattered, and then one day, the truth about him began to reel it's ugly head. It was a childish thing, black women are over sensitive about their hair, and there are some days you don't want to see anybody. I saw him as i came outside with the bin, yet for some reason rather than greeting him with a flirtatious smile like i usually did. I panicked and ran. It was something in my gut. Then sensing from his expression that he was hurt, and knowing that he was still standing outside. Why had he not gone into his home yet? The guilt over came me i tiptoed back down the stairs, came outside and politely greeted him respectfully. He was furious, i could see it in his eyes. A week passed by and i began to notice he wasn't parking his car in front of my house anymore, i began to feel extremely guilty, and remembered days when despite the arrogance of his mother, he would sneakily park back in front of my house. I could tell it was making her angry. Everytime he did this she'd wait till his car drove off, then have fake phone conversations in the back garden as if warning me off her territory. At first i assumed she was communicating with someone down the phone. Then i began to notice how bizarre these conversations had gotten, she began to sound like Dom Jolly on trigger happy TV, and it was always conveniently right after he left. I began to feel guilty for appearing to be 'one of those girls' i call them. The ones who flirt with you to draw your attention, then suddenly start running from you as though the attention was enough. So i wrote him a note, innocently apologising if i had seemed rude in anyway, and apologising for disrespecting his mother, as her behaviour drove me to have frustrated rants. The note ended with a simple take care, i hope you and your family have a blessed year. In my eyes and to anybody with common sense it was a polite note of rejection. But friendly. I watched in Horror as something simple became escalated by a jealous family. From having him stalk me, to going crazy everytime i spoke to a man on the phone, trying to convince me that all friends and associates were attempting to hurt me or sabotage me in some way, stealing my ideas, and using them for his own benefit, inviting friends over to insult my Skin tone calling me blackup, a Monkey, Ugly, comparing me to my fair skinned sister, telling me to slit my wrist and cut my throat, attempting to try and have me sectioned so his family could get to my families contacts, and convincing me that every guy who wanted to date me, or was seeing me, was part of an organisation trying to assasinate me, and yet this guys only defence for this was to tiptoe outside whenever he knew i was upstairs, never have the courage to look me in the face and challenge me the way a real man would, would enviously eavesdrop on private conversations, feeding me more jealous paranoia that i would be Gangraped, and be injected with needles whilst i slept. Why this guy thought he could get away with this? I spent a lot of time on my own. Despite being clearly unhinged, along with those around him, there was something else he believed put him in a superior position, him and his mother believed he was better because he was lightskinned. The more i dated and the happier i became, the more frustrated they'd get. Saying it loud enough for me to hear that they thought i thought too highly of myself, they began to invite others over feeding them lies. His sister and mother would ,laugh at me as i took showers, pointing at me enviously. When i went to do my masters his sister followed me to my old university purposefully connecting to people i knew, announcing lies about what they knew. I was informed that an Old best friend had died in a Car Crash, his sister who was obese would slam doors everytime i announced an accomplishment, they'd eavesdrop on private family conversations, sharing our private affairs with anyone that would listen. Then became obsessed with meeting my older accomplished brother, yet using my ideas to get him there. The key would be to drive me into a state of paranoia, drive me out of my neighbourhood and use my database of Contacts, and ideas to give themselves a platform. At one point he became convinced that the key to a successful life for himself and his family would be to impregnate me, or my sister. Clearly my sister was never interested so he kept saying "i'll take the ugly blackup one." As i listened in with more alarm i realised from his dialogue he'd raped someone in the past. He had a habbit of defending his actions with such lines as " these are rumours and accusations," and " if she says this then i'll say this." The more isolated i began to feel the less i told people around me. I was dealing with Stress and Health issues of my own, it all sounded bizarre that a family would watch us from the garden, peering at the kitchen, how we cooked our dinners, the conversations we had, our behaviourisms, the friends we knew, then one day i had a Seizure, it was in the Kitchen on the floor he watched from the garden and laughed with his family saying "that seizure was funny right?" His mum laughed with amusement as they commented on my seizure, i decided to maintain my silence. I was always at home alone, on the computer. When discussing the harassment i was experiencing i was told by those close to me, it was stress, the situation seemed too bizarre, yet the more i kept quiet the more the harassment continued. His mother and sister confessed to finding me sexually attractive, and in the most bizarre twist of Fate it was an associate who had known me a long time that spoke it with ease. " You don't have problems, they have severe mental health problems, this is a family that is obsessed with you." The more i discussed it with friends outside of myself finally being alerted to the fact that this family had mental health problems down the line, i began to gain confidence as i realised this could be prooven. People had started leaving their house and distancing themselves from them because of what they were doing, at one point during a conversation with a student i was mentoring, i spoke to him briefly about what was happening. The next thing i knew a series of young boys got up and left his household, one boy said " i've had enough of this, i knew there was more to it," and at that the group of them left. Neighbours began to distance themselves as his mothers only conversation was me, she was obsessed with getting my attention. It was almost as though she had a crush on me, every time i returned from anywhere, she'd suddenly stand in front of her home pretending to be on the phone, it became tedious and exhausting. Neighbours would leave, i needed answers. What was clear to me was everytime we accomplished something they'd shriek, "it's not fair they get everything, we get nothing." What disgusted me the most was how they pretended to be respectful people when my family returned to the house, appearing to be a normal family, when they were clearly unhinged. At one point his mother began to spread rumours that i had Hep B, aids, and was an ex prostitute looking for work. It was hard to proove the things they did and said. From a mother asking me to lick her intimate parts, to the obsession his whole family seemed to have. I began to gain more confidence as i asked questions online, and spoke to friends. There would be evidence of what they'd done online, proof of their fraudulent hacking into emails and accounts, students knew of them asking people to follow us and see who our contacts were. His mother would often announce that all Africans have Aids, and Nigerians do Fraud, she'd call Asian people Packies, and was merrily on a jaunt making judgements on others despite having problems of her own. She felt as though people with disabilities, or any conflict that affects their life has 'problems'. This is one of the many examples of a psychopath. Why do i discuss this because it ties into two Key themes, emotional abuse and self loathing amongst black people.
Hatred is rife in the black communities, envy of others, a real disgust for anybody who tries to accomplish anything. The black race or the Ethnic Community need to learn to stick together. It's sad generations ago people fought so that we could be free, who were dark of skin who felt as though we were worthy of something.Then thousands of years later our own people are trying to Crucify us because of our Skin tone,, calling us Blackup this and Dark skinned Monkey. To be honest i understand if someone looks a certain way and you happen to say this person looks like this, and you say it once, and you slip up. We are all guilty of being Hyppocrites at one point in our lives. If you say this consistently and have the belief about this within yourself there's something about you that hates being black. These are the same people who will connect to other ethnic people who are trying to survive, trying to do well within our communities, and they'll talk to them saying things like " yeah it's a hard life bro, i'm trying , i'm trying."
"Yeah i know how you feel bro, it's a struggle....it's a struggle." It's more of a struggle because of the mindset of the few. It's a struggle because you think that there's something wrong with being black. You think ethnicity means poverty. You think beneath it all theres something wrong with black people that's why it's a struggle for you.The funny thing is despite hundreds of years ago when there were Caucasians who had the mindset that Ethnic people should be Slaves or Subservient, look at how society has changed. Their getting Tans now, black Culture has become more popular so it's now called Urban so it's accessible, and can be capitalised on financially. I was systematically called the family embarassment. "We dont want the ugly Blackup one, give us the lightskinned one." Because as a dark skinned girl i dared to have some self esteem. All of this was done to me by people of my own ethnicity, and people of ethnic origin.
All these uneducated people who 'are black' that stand around saying things like blackup this, Charcoal, monkey, i don't date dark skinned girls. Their the birth of your whole generation. They are your ancestry, for all the dark skinned girls out there, i want to remind you, the World is full of beautiful people and your one of them. You are fine as you are because there are companies that are making fortunes from your insecurities, and even dark skinned men there are Companies making millions out of your insecurities. Their selling bleaching product, most of us are guilty of purchasing weavons to make ourselves look more European. Companies have made billions. Clorox for example have made over $853 billion dollars due to their bleaching products, Companies make a fortune every day from skincare, i wonder why were always tearing each other down. The crabs in a barrel symptom seems to be productive of so many black people. Why is it that generally other ethnic minorities are known for sticking together, yet black people have a habbit of tearing each other down. When we do get successful there is a divide between us, and were told that we have changed, yet it's those around us that change towards us Is the 'black community a marketing campaign to sell products, when do we learn to unite?